|Parent Fail: Smashed Ring Finger|
So........this happened. And I can't stop thinking about it. It's playing over and over again in my head. I thought maybe if I just got it out there in the universe it would leave me alone. Because really, it was a big parental fail.
Aaron was in his room trying to put his pjs on (and by that I mean doing everything he could to delay putting his pjs on) and Elizabeth kept going into his room, playing with his toys and "distracting" him. So I finally went in there, picked Elizabeth up and put her down in the middle of the hallway. Then I walked back to Aaron's room, told him to please, for the 825th time, to put his pjs on and that I would close the door (as I was literally doing so) to keep his sister out. Of course, Elizabeth is faster than lightening and in that 5 second interval of time had made it back to the door and and stuck her hand in the hinge side of the door. And I closed the door. All the way. Without knowing she was there. And when I realized it and opened the door her little ring finger was blue and indented and bent.
She's crying and she clung onto me and wouldn't let go. I tried to pull her away so I could get a better look at the finger and stick it under cold water. She wouldn't let me. All I could see was indented, blue and what seemed to be bent. I never put her down. I called my sister over and over but she didn't answer. I told Aaron that we had an emergency and had to take Elizabeth to the doctor and I needed him to be good and listen. Put shoes and jacket on. Somehow I was able to get my own pants & shoes on, let the dog out and back in his kennel and get both my kids out the door. Elizabeth is crying off and on. The finger to me, looks bad. Though it is getting better - I just can't get that first image out of my head.
We head to the ER and I get a call back from my sister. She's still at work but will meet me at the ER. Then I call Josh and tell him. And part of me feels horrible for doing this because he's 2 hours away at work and can't come and I know this. But I call anyway. Because his daughter is going to the ER. And it's my fault.
And Aaron, who is being good but very vocal, is worried and wants to know why I'm crying. We get to the ER and he announces to the ER that I was upset with him and I smashed the door on the baby's finger. Which I'm sure sounded horrible to everyone. My sister arrived just after we did and took charge of Aaron while I checked in. Elizabeth, by this time had stopped crying and her finger no longer looked bent but did seem swollen and very red of course. She just seemed tired now.
Aaron wanted to go with me and Elizabeth everywhere. But of course I couldn't handle it. So I made him stay with Eva in the waiting room. We checked vitals and back to the wait room. We saw the doctor and then off to x-rays. And then back to the doctor. And Elizabeth was so good. And I felt horrible. And Aaron was so worried.
The good news is that the finger is not broken. The doctor just "prescribed" a cold compress if needed and OTC pain medication. So we go back home and I give Elizabeth the pain meds and put her to sleep. She slept through the night. In fact, I had to wake her this morning to take Aaron to school. She seems perfect this morning except for a red, slightly swollen finger and being tired.
I thanked Aaron last night and again this morning for being such a good boy when I needed him to be and I reassured him that his sister was alright. He gave me a hug and kiss. The only thing I've ever seen of myself in Aaron is his looks. He's looked like me from day one but even that wasn't 100%. Now that he's getting older he's actually starting to look more like Josh. But I've seen my dad and my older sister in him. I've called him by my little sister's name before. He's personality is more like them - my dad and sisters. But this, him worrying about his sister so much - wanted to stay with her....... That's me. The first time I've ever said THAT IS ME IN HIM. I comforted him last night & this morning and will probably do it again tonight.
And though my sister came over last night and stayed for a bit after the kids were asleep, I still couldn't stop thinking about what happened. And when I went to bed alone, all I wanted was to cuddle with Josh. I texted him and we promised to cuddle when he got home this weekend. Having Josh work 2 hours away, staying in Fremont for the week and coming home for a day and a half on the weekend we've joked that I'm basically a single mom during the week. We've joked, but it's true. And I don't even know how real single moms do it. Especially after this. And it's not even the physical, day to day stuff of being a mom. It's the fact that I don't have anyone to share the ups and downs with during the week. Josh wasn't here to go to the ER with us. He wasn't here to go through this experience - to share the fear and anxiety and relief and guilt. Even if he didn't feel all those himself, he could share in my feelings. And I didn't have the physical comfort of Josh. No hugs, no pats, no hand holding, no cuddles. After last night I told him he could never leave me.
He said "I'll never leave you, Bug. Not until I leave this world". And if I wasn't crying already, I was then.
This morning after we dropped off Aaron and school we went to Target because I wanted her mind to be distracted and not on the pain of her finger and because.... well, TARGET. We stopped first at the Starbucks in Target and shared coffee cake and she was happy.
|What pain? I've got coffee cake!|
By the time we got home it was her nap time so I put her to sleep and I've only thought about it 2,347 times today and cried 3 times. I'm just one of those people who replays stuff over and over in my head until either I just get over it or it drives me insane. Hopefully I'll just get over this. I might need some help from my therapists, Ben & Jerry. But if you're reading this, send me some hugs. I need them. And if you know some real single moms, hug their faces off too.