Parental Fail

Parent Fail: Smashed Ring Finger

So........this happened.  And I can't stop thinking about it.  It's playing over and over again in my head.  I thought maybe if I just got it out there in the universe it would leave me alone.  Because really, it was a big parental fail.

Aaron was in his room trying to put his pjs on (and by that I mean doing everything he could to delay putting his pjs on) and Elizabeth kept going into his room, playing with his toys and "distracting" him.  So I finally went in there, picked Elizabeth up and put her down in the middle of the hallway.  Then I walked back to Aaron's room, told him to please, for the 825th time, to put his pjs on and that I would close the door (as I was literally doing so) to keep his sister out.  Of course, Elizabeth is faster than lightening and in that 5 second interval of time had made it back to the door and and stuck her hand in the hinge side of the door.  And I closed the door.  All the way.  Without knowing she was there.  And when I realized it and opened the door her little ring finger was blue and indented and bent.  

She's crying and she clung onto me and wouldn't let go.  I tried to pull her away so I could get a better look at the finger and stick it under cold water.  She wouldn't let me.  All I could see was indented, blue and what seemed to be bent.  I never put her down.  I called my sister over and over but she didn't answer.  I told Aaron that we had an emergency and had to take Elizabeth to the doctor and I needed him to be good and listen.  Put shoes and jacket on.  Somehow I was able to get my own pants & shoes on, let the dog out and back in his kennel and get both my kids out the door.  Elizabeth is crying off and on.  The finger to me, looks bad.  Though it is getting better - I just can't get that first image out of my head.

We head to the ER and I get a call back from my sister.  She's still at work but will meet me at the ER.  Then I call Josh and tell him.  And part of me feels horrible for doing this because he's 2 hours away at work and can't come and I know this.  But I call anyway.  Because his daughter is going to the ER.  And it's my fault.  

And Aaron, who is being good but very vocal, is worried and wants to know why I'm crying.  We get to the ER and he announces to the ER that I was upset with him and I smashed the door on the baby's finger.  Which I'm sure sounded horrible to everyone.  My sister arrived just after we did and took charge of Aaron while I checked in.  Elizabeth, by this time had stopped crying and her finger no longer looked bent but did seem swollen and very red of course.  She just seemed tired now.  

Aaron wanted to go with me and Elizabeth everywhere.  But of course I couldn't handle it.  So I made him stay with Eva in the waiting room.  We checked vitals and back to the wait room.  We saw the doctor and then off to x-rays.  And then back to the doctor.  And Elizabeth was so good.  And I felt horrible.  And Aaron was so worried.  

The good news is that the finger is not broken.  The doctor just "prescribed" a cold compress if needed and OTC pain medication.  So we go back home and I give Elizabeth the pain meds and put her to sleep.  She slept through the night.  In fact, I had to wake her this morning to take Aaron to school.  She seems perfect this morning except for a red, slightly swollen finger and being tired.  

I thanked Aaron last night and again this morning for being such a good boy when I needed him to be and I reassured him that his sister was alright.  He gave me a hug and kiss.  The only thing I've ever seen of myself in Aaron is his looks.  He's looked like me from day one but even that wasn't 100%.  Now that he's getting older he's actually starting to look more like Josh.  But I've seen my dad and my older sister in him.  I've called him by my little sister's name before.  He's personality is more like them - my dad and sisters.  But this, him worrying about his sister so much - wanted to stay with her....... That's me.  The first time I've ever said THAT IS ME IN HIM.  I comforted him last night & this morning and will probably do it again tonight.

And though my sister came over last night and stayed for a bit after the kids were asleep, I still couldn't stop thinking about what happened.  And when I went to bed alone, all I wanted was to cuddle with Josh.  I texted him and we promised to cuddle when he got home this weekend.  Having Josh work 2 hours away, staying in Fremont for the week and coming home for a day and a half on the weekend we've joked that I'm basically a single mom during the week.  We've joked, but it's true.  And I don't even know how real single moms do it.  Especially after this.  And it's not even the physical, day to day stuff of being a mom.  It's the fact that I don't have anyone to share the ups and downs with during the week.  Josh wasn't here to go to the ER with us.  He wasn't here to go through this experience - to share the fear and anxiety and relief and guilt.  Even if he didn't feel all those himself, he could share in my feelings.  And I didn't have the physical comfort of Josh.  No hugs, no pats, no hand holding, no cuddles.  After last night I told him he could never leave me.  

He said "I'll never leave you, Bug.  Not until I leave this world".  And if I wasn't crying already, I was then.

This morning after we dropped off Aaron and school we went to Target because I wanted her mind to be distracted and not on the pain of her finger and because.... well, TARGET.  We stopped first at the Starbucks in Target and shared coffee cake and she was happy.

What pain?  I've got coffee cake!

By the time we got home it was her nap time so I put her to sleep and I've only thought about it 2,347 times today and cried 3 times.  I'm just one of those people who replays stuff over and over in my head until either I just get over it or it drives me insane.  Hopefully I'll just get over this.  I might need some help from my therapists, Ben & Jerry.  But if you're reading this, send me some hugs.  I need them.  And if you know some real single moms, hug their faces off too.  

   

So Much To Say (Little Baby!)

This kid!  Stud.

Well, I had intended to write a new blog after Elizabeth's 1 month check up, but time slips away when you're holding a new baby.  First, let me update you on Aaron.   

Aaron has been sick for what it seems like 2+ months with one cold after the other.  He had 2 ear infections in a month and a few weeks ago he had a fever and was vomiting.  We first took him to Urgent Care (they sucked, btw) and then to UC Davis ER where he was admitted and observed overnight.  The only thing they could definitely diagnose him with was fluid in the ears and dehydration.  They took blood multiple times, put in an IV, took x-rays and did sonograms.  Words like appendicitis, intussusception (telescoping of the intestine) and virus were being thrown around.  They eventually moved him from the child's wing of the ER (thank GOD because that was not a pleasant place to be) to the pediatric ward.  

Basically he was monitored and given fluids and Tylenol and nothing was ever truly diagnosed.  They think he had a virus.  Nothing wrong with his appendix.  They said he had intussusception of the small intestine but it was too far up to correct and that likely it would correct itself.  They also said it was likely brought on by the virus he had.  Strange, right?  So he was sent home.

But he still has cold like symptoms -- a sore throat, occasional cough, stuffy/runny nose and mucus.  IT'S BEEN LIKE, 2 MONTHS!  I don't know what to do about it and it's really frustrating.  What's more frustrating is that I feel like I have to tell him to keep away from Elizabeth because he's sneezing and coughing and I don't want her to get sick.  She already caught it once and I had to deal with 2 sickies.  

Additionally, we had made an appointment with an ENT for him because he snores loudly and it sounded like he might have sleep apnea.  He also breaths loudly and has recently (like in the past 6 months) become a mouth breather.  Plus, recently he's been saying "What did you say?" a lot.  As if his hearing is getting worse.  I think the whole thing has to be related, but I'm not a doctor so what do I know?

The ENT said he still had fluid in his ears and that he couldn't test his hearing until it was cleared so he gave him another round of antibiotics and told us to come back.  He also said that he does have large glands and adenoids but that he doesn't want to rush into surgery.  OK great, neither do we but that still doesn't answer how we're supposed to solve the snoring/breathing problem!  UGH!

So as a result of all this, he's been missing school a ton.  If you have kids, you know that preschool is super expensive and regardless of your child missing school because of being sick or not, you still have to pay the full tuition.  Which, because of me not working currently, we just cannot afford.  Well, honestly we couldn't afford it with me working, but definitely we can't now so we've pulled Aaron out of school until we can figure out what is wrong with him and we can afford to send him again.  Hopefully in the Spring!!!  

This baby!  Princess.

Elizabeth is doing well.  She's gaining weight, sleeping through the night (mostly) and drinking her bottles.  Right now she's cuddled with Josh (which is how I have free time to write this!).  This girl gets a ton of kisses and cuddles, that's for sure!  She makes the cutest faces and sometimes she'll just lay there and coo.  When Aaron was in the hospital, I stayed overnight with him while Josh stayed home with Elizabeth.  I was gone for almost 24 hours and when Josh and I switched and I came home to Elizabeth.  When I first picked her up she smiled at me!  Twice!  It was so cute.  Baby girl recognized her momma!  I can also get her to smile at me when I kiss her on the lips.  It takes a few times but around the 3rd or 4th try, she smiles and even laughed once!

At almost 2 month old, she can hold her head up and almost turn over.  She grabs on to everything with her little skinny hands and sometimes she'll try to stand off of you if you're holding her.  Of course I don't let her stand, but she's a strong girl for sure!  She dreams and sometimes you will catch her sleeping with her eyes open.  Freaky, I know, but mom tells me she gets it from her Grandma Gloria.

As for me, I've seen the doctor and she told me I'm all healed which is great to hear.  My back still hurts though.  Some days it's not too bad but other days it hurts like a MF.  I was still taking the 800 mg of ibuprofen whenever my back pain would come back.  And then for some reason I kept getting these stomach aches.  I couldn't figure out why and why they seemed to come mostly at night time.  I was taking Tums and Pepto Bismol but they would only help a little.  Finally, yesterday I thought - holy crap! - what if it's the ibuprofen?  So I didn't take it yesterday and suffered through a day of back pain, but with no stomach problems!  Hooray!  Sort of.  I think I'll give it a few days (or at least until my back pain gets really bad) and then I'll start taking Aleve instead.  

Now my job will be to figure out how to be a SAHM with two kids all day.  At least for the next few months.  But first we get through December!!!!  Aaron's birthday is coming up and then Christmas.  Today we might go tree shopping if Josh can find the decorations!  We even have a fireplace to decorate this time!  Super exciting - our first Christmas together in a house as a family!

I hope you all are well, enjoying time with loved ones and that you all have a super fabulous holiday season!